Had to get this off my mind…

I am here to talk about something that I never wanted to share before to anyone in this world, and yet using this site means that the world will know what I am going to share. I need to get this off my chest and I hope that the world will understand me when I try to write this the best way I can here.

I am writing to tell you this afternoon that I am single, and I that I am alone. I have a beautiful daughter and I don’t really have to much other than the simple things that I can do for my daughter. I am putting this message out to the world this evening that maybe God or the angels can bring me someone that will change my life for the better. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life, and I know that I have baggage here, but then again who doesn’t have any of some sort? But, I am reaching out and throwing the rest of my heart out there to see if maybe that there is a chance of some small miracle.

I don’t believe in luck, I believe that things happen for reasons that we have no control over, and to sit here and share my feelings of loneliness is one of the hardest things I ever done in my life. I mean who comes to a blog site and throw all these feelings down like I do, and take chances like this? I mean I know if I want to go find someone I could use a dating site, or go out to a club or bar, but I am not that type of person. I am the type of person that believes that I will run into her at some point in my life, maybe even right here at this blog. Or maybe I will meet her getting groceries with my daughter, or in a state park. I could go on and on about this, but if you are out there, or if you are reading this at this very moment could you give me some kind of special sign? I mean I am a person that has a lot to offer in this world. And I would love to share the things I know when it comes to things that I can relate to here.

I know this is a long shot, but then again life is about taking chances. I know that if I don’t stick my head out there then I will be gaining nothing from anything. It’s hard to know what is going to happen when I publish this post, but one thing is that I am not scared for a minute.

What made me write this today? Well a couple of things actually. First off, is that I need someone that will listen to me and when it comes to things that we can just take the walk or sit in front of a warm fire and just listen to each other and not fix any problems. It’s just about having that company that you can see in front of you that really cares about you.

Second thing is that love is more than a word that you say at the end of the day or when you wake up, it means that you love a person for who they are, and you love the faults they went through because that is what made you attractive to that person. If everyone was perfect there would be no point of being together, just my thoughts for what they are worth. But love has power to heal, love has power to listen and not fix the problems at hand all the time. Love has the ways of showing that you can get through the days even when they are the hardest. Love means that no matter what you are always connected to the person that you want to be with. I know this is crazy what I all said here in this post, but I had to put this out there because if she is reading this post, I know that she will be feeling the same feelings that I have.

I didn’t want to hide what I feel. I didn’t come to write in this blog to make everything sound so great, I came here to find peace in my heart first off, and secondly I came here to see what the world is doing with itself. So, in closing thank you for taking the time to reading this again. I know sometimes I don’t have the best words to use here, but I have to try at some point. So, I will leave by saying, I hope that maybe the world will bring me that special person sooner than later. And when you do come into my life, I don’t want you to be afraid of me judging you, I want you to be as open as I can when it comes to what is pressing you at the times of your life. Take care of yourself out there and who knows what the evening will bring.

Shaking the beehive some more…

Well I am back home, and I find myself being at my computer instead of resting. I come here to vent to the world, and I know that my posts haven’t been truly the best lately at all here when it comes to anything in my life. And for this I am sorry. But lets get back to the reasons why I am here tonight. I am here to letting you know that I got all my medical records today and looked them all over with a fine tooth comb and found out a lot of things that the doctors never even told me when I was in the hospital for the last seven days.

I am not going into details about this for there is no reasons for this at this time. But, I have to shake more of the beehive this week, and to tell you the truth and I am tired of getting stung by the bees I shake out from that hive. Which means ever bee I talk to which I really mean in the doctors are not given me the straight answers like I thought I was getting. I am so tired of this crap to be honest with you. I am burned out in the ways that I want not to keep focusing on my health, this has taken a lot away from me lately. It has taken my life and spun it around in so many ways.

I want to get back to truly what normal is for me. And do you know what normal was for me? ┬áNormal was getting up early in the morning and watching the sun rise and getting a good workout in before 6AM, now I can’t even get up until like after 9. Normal was going to the coffee shop and people watching and then just talking to a stranger you never met before and asking him how his day was, that is what I miss. I mean being sick you turn into a werewolves or an evil monster you feel like. And that isn’t me by a long shot here. I just want to wake up with knowing that I can go out and make that difference again in my life and the others around me.

I will get there again, I have no choice in this. I must keep this fight going no matter at what cost. I found out to that today my medical bills have ran me over 400,000 dollars. Thank God for my insurance that I have. These last few months 400,000 dollars. And the crazy part is no answers to this yet to the way I am feeling inside. I feel like that the money is just passing hands and no one really cares in the end anyways. I know it’s not about money here, it’ about what ahead of us. What road or path I am going to take from this point forward. I just have to stay strong and embrace these struggles a little longer I think. My answers are in them struggles, I just need to sit back and relook at these struggles to see if I am missing any details from them.

In the end, I hope that everyone out there is having a good weekend, and I hope it full of happiness for what ever it is your doing. I will be posting more later, I think it’s that time to take the dog for a short walk in the dark. I need to re-group my thoughts here. But until next time take care of yourself and the others around you.