What day that if anything could go wrong it did go wrong. But the main thing is that I am still alive to enjoy the mystery of what God has for me yet in my journey that I call life. I am sitting here trying to express what I feel this evening and there is so much pent up stuff in my stomach for me to begin to tell you it all. I know that I don’t make a lot of sense but on the other hand I am okay knowing that. I feel like I come to this computer to sit here and write about nothing that makes any sense to the people that are reading this and even myself for that matter. But I find this to be the best therapy since I can just write what I feel about myself and there really isn’t anyone in the room other then the dog looking at me. But I will tell you today that my body was in a fighting mode. Which means I am struggling to eat the simple things in life like rice or a piece of bread without it coming out in a bad way. My weight continues to go down and more and more people around me are noticing the changes in my body. But I am trying to figure out how to survive another day with out something bad happening to my body. Isn’t that crazy that I have to waste this much time on learning to survive when there are people out there in this world not even thinking for a second about what they want to eat or drink.
I mean I will tell you that it is a miracle that you can eat. When you have a problem like I have and your body is fighting itself it becomes more and more a problem that no one wants to deal with. I mean you would think that the simple things would help me and yet they are having a hard time finding my stomach. I mean I am strong, but my mind is so tired of trying to balance itself out when it comes to this problem. I want to be normal, I want to eat a piece of cake without worrying if it is going to kill me or not. I would love to eat some steak and eggs and even some fresh fruit. But my body is in a living hell because my pancreas and liver will not balance out enough for me to eat a good meal. I mean I hope that this never happens to any of you that are reading this post. I mean be blessed what it is front of you, and be blessed that your doing the simple things I can’t at this time. There is nothing easy about being me. I used to be happy and run around with energy helping the people that needed to be helped. And here I am wishing for some miracle when there are many others in a worse situation then I am in.
But what else can I say then I will fight this fight and keep moving harder and harder forward into this battle with my health. Another note today is that I lost a close friend to suicide and that is pulling on my tug strings a bit tonight. One of the nicest guys you would ever say you would want to meet. And then you get news and your life is changed forever at that point. I mean what causes things like this, I mean he is leaving a family behind with three daughters. I mean I been low in my life and I just know that it is not fun getting that low in your life to thinking about doing something like this. I been there, trust me I been there. This man was in the military served his country well and three tours over seas and then comes back to the hell in his head. And to me that is the worse part that I wished that I would of called him more to check in with him, but then life get busy and then you tend to forget to check in. I mean we served together and I wish I had that one last chance to saying good bye to him. But I will be in contact with the family tomorrow and see if there is anything I can do. What a blow to the family for sure, and his children are like little angels running around just miracles to watch.
I mean what a day, but I will tell you that I will march forward knowing that the good Lord has my back in this battle. But I will write more later for I am crying and I just need to walk away from this. Until then take care of yourself and the others around you…